So, my family hates that I hate music. I don't really hate music, I just hate it a lot of the time.
Music and I have a love-hate relationship.
Confused yet? Welcome to the inside of my brain.
I don't hate music at all, actually. In fact, I like many kinds of music (except country! But sometimes its okay). I just hate music in the house. I also hate it when someone sings when no music is on. I hate when someone sings to a commercial, unless I'm the one doing it. Its also acceptable for me to sing to a TV show. But no one else.
Why all the qualifiers?
It goes back to being overstimulated.
Autism in general has a term for someone that is trying to deal with overstimulation. Its called "stimming" and it can be any number of behaviors that help them cope. Some of the classic ones you'll recognize is clapping, rocking back and forth, repetitive noises, etc. Those are usually reserved for people that just have autism, or severe autism. People with HFA may stim infrequently or not noticably, don't necessarily stim, or don't stim at all. I don't. I never have.
The problem is that when someone doesn't have one of these things that helps them cope, or if it just becomes too much, they tend to go the other way and either melt down or just shut down. That would be me. I'm finding that the older I get, the more I'm melting down. I did a lot as a child and teen, but it evened out around 17. I still had them, just not as frequently. Then, once my second child was born, they started ramping up again. I think its because especially now with three children, I'm more prone to being bombarded by stimuli.
But back to my original point. Music sucks. But it doesn't. I love music in the car. I almost always listen to it when my children are in the car, and I crank it up obscenely loud when I'm alone (or to drown out my screaming heathens). But in the house, I CANNOT STAND IT. It literally feels like I have bugs crawling on the inside of my skin. Why? Because typically, its that last straw, the line between me keeping it together and me losing it. Its just too much. My husband in particular hates it because he loves to listen to music all the time. I've finally gotten to the point in my life when I realize now that its overstimulating me, rather than just freaking out and screaming, "OH MY GOD SHUT IT OFF ITS KILLING ME WHY ISN'T IT KILLING YOU?! I'M LITERALLY DYING INSIDE WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THIS?!?!?"
My family always thought I was just being dramatic. When it comes to HFA, its a fine line between drama and internal crisis. Try to figure out which it is. Ask your child, "How does this make you feel?" Always try to get them to talk about it, because often (when they're CALM, don't ever try to reason during a meltdown, please!!) they'll have some explanation of it if they're old enough. If they're very small and not very verbal, avoidance may be key in keeping your sanity.
Regards -
April
