I'd say a overwhelming majority of HFA people have a problem with this in some capacity. If you don't, be thankful. Its one of the biggest socially awkward problems we can have, and thats simply because its so basic.
For me, eye contact is physically uncomfortable. I start getting anxious, as if I wasn't anxious enough already having to talk to someone. Add this in, and you can incite a full blown anxiety attack, a melt down or a shut down if a person's issue with it is severe enough.
I've learned to deal with it. I say deal because this is one of those life long things that I know I'll never fully master. I didn't even know I had an eye contact problem until the 8th grade (I was 13!).
The story goes: In the 8th grade for one semester, we had to take a careers class. Every school everywhere should have this class. We learned so many useful things. How to balance check books, how to conduct an interview, etc., and it was such valuable life skills. Mrs. Debra Shapiro, if you ever read this, you're my hero for this class.
The interview process went like this: We learned about a typical interview, how we should dress, conduct ourselves, what to bring, etc. Then we went through a mock interview and were given pointers on what we needed to change before our final interview. If she'd hire us, we got a passing grade.
I got to the end of my mock interview and she looks at me and says, "You did excellent. The problem is you'd fail. You made no eye contact during any of it."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN.
I was floored. I had no idea I avoided eye contact to that point. No one had ever said anything, I'd never noticed, my parents never noticed, friends, teachers, no one had EVER said anything about this.
As the interview grew closer, I started having anxiety attacks. I had no idea eye contact affected me in this way, and now that I KNEW, it was like 4872835945 times worse. I went in and talked to the teacher about it. She gave me the classic pointers: Look at their forehead, look at a spot above their heads on the wall. This seems like sound advice, but my overly analytical brain was like, "They'll notice. They'll notice. They'll freaking notice" (I'm still this way). And it just didn't work. I did end up getting a passing grade, but barely. My overwhelming nervousness about the interview made me so tense and uptight that I performed poorly.
As I grew older, my social anxiety grew worse and worse. I had other socially awkward issues that I'll address in other posts, plus this eye contact problem. My husband, thankfully, is so overly social that I've acclimated myself to social situations. I can attend just about anything with very little nervousness because when my husband is around, I just hide behind him when I get overwhelmed. Or I'll hide behind someone else I know well (don't be afraid to do this). But that in between stage was a tough one.
The most social thing I do on a regular basis is attend church. It takes me awhile to warm up to people, and we've been at our church for almost 7 years. I know everyone. Now that I know everyone, its not so bad. I can approach and speak to just about everyone. But I still have trouble with eye contact. The longer I've known someone and the more comfortable I am with them, I can hold eye contact for longer. I think its just because I'm not inherently nervous. I can hold eye contact forever with my husband and kids. I can for extended periods with good friends. But everyone else, you'll notice my tricks for coping because now I'm going to point them out. And you'll probably chuckle because you're going to realize it now.
Tips for eye contact:
- Hold eye contact briefly at the beginning of a conversation, specifically when greeting. This establishes a connection with the person you're talking to. If you avoid eye contact from the start, it makes the other person uncomfortable.
- Try to always have something in your hand. Even if you don't plan on drinking something, pick up a drink, preferably with a straw (so you can occasionally look down and stir it, like you're not purposely not looking at them). If its a can, wipe off the sweat like you need to do it. Switch it from hand to hand. Anything to make it appear you need to look down. If you can't find a drink, find something to do with your hands that'll make it easier to look down. Can't find something, look at your shoe. Pretend there's something wrong with it. If you're desperate, act like you need to tie it tighter and say, "Go ahead, I'm still listening." DON'T USE YOUR PHONE. PEOPLE HATE THAT. Unless of course they're doing it too. Then its okay. Just don't do it first unless its important.
- When you're standing close to someone in a one on one conversation, try to look at them, but only look at one eye. It gives the illusion that you're looking and that you're making eye contact, but it only gives you half the anxiety. I use this a lot. Look at them, look around. Look at them, look around. Other things to glance at are necklaces, hair pins/bows, any other item that the person put on specifically to be noticed. If you're savvy enough, tell them you like the item. It deflects from the fact that you're not making eye contact. This is an especially good trick if the person notices you're not looking at them.
- If you can, stand next to them. I use this a LOT at church (this also works at parties/weddings/etc). That way you can look around the room and scan like you're actually doing something, such as looking for another person, but you can fully engage in a conversation without the need to look directly at them. Looking over at someones side profile is easier than meeting their eyes. Still look over occasionally.
This is definitely something to work on as a child gets to teen years or if you're already an adult. Don't stress yourself out about it though. If you can't do it and you can't do any of those things I mentioned, just saying, "Look, I have HFA and eye contact makes me uncomfortable" might be the best route to go. If you want to practice being more graceful in social situations all on your own, then take baby steps. Go to a social gathering with someone that knows your limits and can bail you out if you start to freak out. I know it seems counter productive, but start big and go smaller. Getting used to briefly meeting eyes with a stranger in a mall when you can keep walking and never engage is better than being at a Scentsy/Tupperware/ItWorks party with only 6 other people and suddenly you're the odd one out. Yes, people notice when you're playing with the cat and not talking to them. I've tried it. It doesn't work. Unless of course you're on the edge of a meltdown. Then by all means, play with the cat.
I'll tackle more social issues like this later.
Regards -
April
