"There's no gray area with you!!" is something my mom used to yell at me all the time, especially as a teen. And its the truth. There's generally no gray areas with an HFA person. And that can be good in some cases, and frustrating as hell in others, especially as a parent.
Look, I KNOW there's gray areas in life. Its not like I don't understand the concept of gray areas. I just don't like to deal in them. HFA people are apparently like most businesses. Because gray areas mean that there's a possibility of an outcome that isn't outlined in black and white, and that scares the crap out of us.
There's that saying that sometimes there's right, sometimes there's wrong, and then sometimes in the middle is life. Or something like that, you get what I'm saying. Should you arrest a man that steals food to feed his starving child, that kind of scenario (If you think I may be referencing Family Guy, you're right). Of course there's "gray" areas in life. But we're not hardwired to deal in those areas. Right and wrong, black and white, these are simple, straightforward, and don't offer up too many variables. They allow us to maintain an element of control over a situation. This is also a part of meltdowns. You'll see that as something slips into a gray area that your child (or yourself) starts to lose control of themselves because they're losing their perceived control over a situation. I get mad when someone challenges my black/white with a gray. Its not intentional, its just a thing. If your child does this, you'll notice that its literally one or the other, and if they can't have the thing they want, they want nothing. This can carry over into adulthood (but within reasonable limits).
This is where life gets tricky for an HFA person. You have to deal in gray areas as much as you don't want to. Ironically, I struggle with this and still find myself parroting the "gray area" mantra to my HFA son. Because regardless of how much I hate it, there's no dealing with everyday life if I can't handle it.
This is something you have to start pushing early. It goes from scheduling on down to things like politics and religion. Unless your child is severely autistic, there's no reason that you should HAVE to adhere to a strict schedule. And while I get and understand that scheduling is a "thing" for people with HFA, life doesn't work on a rigid schedule in the real world. Real things happen in real time and you can't schedule those, and the earlier you introduce this concept to your HFA child, the better off you'll both be (mainly for your sanity). Sure, a general schedule is fine, but I'm talking the rigid schedules.
This sounds harsh, I know, but if you really think about it, scheduling and being rigid outside of the age of like 2, 2.5, 3 years old (depending on the maturity of your child) boils down to control. Your child is in control if you HAVE to maintain a strict schedule thats dictated by your childs "needs" (or are they really just his wants?). But they're not in control. So if you have to put off lunch thats usually at noon to 12:30 because your one year old decided to take off his diaper and paint a mural on the wall, so be it. Sorry kid, but life just took precedence over your schedule. And unless you want a 45 minute meltdown over lunch being 30 minutes late, loosening your child's control over a schedule is going to be tantamount to your sanity.
When it comes to older kids and teens and heading into adulthood, if you deal only in black and white you're going to alienate the chances for friendship. No one wants to hear, "I don't care, this is the answer and I'm not going to listen to your argument because it doesn't not fall into my preconceived black and white notions of the subject." Whether it be relatively unmentionables like religion or politics, or even talking about the latest breakthrough in some kind of research, most people are going to offer a different perspective and being able to handle it, digest it, absorb it and not fly off the handle is something that you have to learn to deal with.
Now, its not all bad. I never did drugs. Why? Because they were wrong to do. I was taught they were wrong. There was no right, there was only wrong. "Do you want to try..." "No." "But..." "No. The answer is no. The answer will always be no because there's no other answer." Thats good. Now, when you're an adult and someone introduces the idea that marijuana oil can possibly cure cancer you have to sit back and digest this information for possibilities that your rigid NO was maybe actually a gray area and you didn't know that. But for all intents and purposes, in this example, there is an upside. If we can handle the schooling and the socialization, HFA people can make great lawyers.
Bottom line is introduce the idea of flexibility to your kids. Whether it be small changes to schedules, or giving more than one perspective to an idea, you have to push your HFA's childs limits a little. Play devils advocate on a subject to push them without being threatening. It will stretch your childs boundaries with you as the safety net. Don't push them too hard, obviously, and always follow your child's cues, but don't be afraid to try.
Regards -
April
